As a 10-year Army veteran, the majority of my growing-up years were spent in the military.

The year 2016 was my first year on testosterone and also my last full year contracted with the military. I started my testosterone journey on the black market and was the only 135-pound “female” who carried the heaviest weapons, the most ammunition, and always scored above 300 on my physical fitness tests. The other females in my unit had a running joke every time we took photos — it was always, “let’s get the females and Chatman for a photo.” It was as if they saw or knew who I was before I knew myself, but I kept that side of me hidden, afraid I’d be discharged until “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was lifted.

In 2017, I learned I could go legal and get my testosterone from the VA medical center — the same year my brother passed away. So while I was becoming myself, I was losing a huge piece of myself at the same time. Before he left, I asked him how he would feel if I started taking testosterone, and he said, “It would be like the brother I never had.” Him being the only boy, I battled with the feeling that I was replacing him, and I stayed away from my family for five years following his passing.

Being pushed into manhood because of the beard I grew, the muscles I had, and the deep voice I grew into, I couldn’t understand why I was so angry all the time. I was “passing” as a man — I had the image I always wanted, and I was being accepted by the LGBTQIA community — and most importantly, by the T — until I realized I wasn’t living my truth as a nonbinary, genderless person. Every space I found myself in seemed to be performative, a way to fit into the world’s view of what a man should be.

Being nonbinary, trans, and masculine is a deeply personal and sometimes tender journey. The spaces created for us — especially within transmasculine groups — don’t always feel as open or affirming as we hope. Too often, they carry unspoken pressures to prove our masculinity or perform toughness. But masculinity isn’t one-dimensional. It’s a spectrum — expansive, emotional, soft, strong, quiet, bold, and everything in between. We deserve spaces that hold us in our entirety — where we can ask questions, be uncertain, and show up in our unique expressions of masculinity without needing to prove or perform. Spaces where we can just be. There is strength in vulnerability. There is power in authenticity. And there is real healing in creating room for all of who we are. 

Harmonizing Masculinity Collective is an initiative started within Transinclusive Group. We focus on supporting the entire ecosystem of the transmasculine community. We provide access to aligned prevention services, linkage to care, mentorship, community-camaraderie events, wrap-around support/services, provider education, trans focused training, and overall visibility for the trans/masculine community in South Florida and neighboring states.