“Stop! That! Train!” (Bleecker Street/World of Wonder) is an ill-conceived homage to the 1980s Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker comedies, including “Airplane!”, “Top Secret!”, and “The Naked Gun,” with a hat tip to 1976’s disaster comedy “The Big Bus.” Fueled by tired sight gags and slapstick, as well as laugh-less and lifeless jokes, “Stop! That! Train!” should never have been allowed to leave the station.
Tess (Ginger Minj) and DeeDee (Jujubee), a pair of newly unemployed train hostesses, find work on the high-speed Glamazonian Express rail line on a route traveling from Los Angeles to Celebration, Florida. But disaster lurks around every corner, beginning with the trio of bitchy, bullying first-class train hostesses – Amber (Brooke Lynn Hytes), Ayshleiygh (Symone), and Alli (Marty Lauter) – who relentlessly insult Tess and DeeDee, relegating them to working in coach.
But that’s nothing compared to the horror that awaits as the train hurtles towards unprecedented weather: a Stormaganza (hurricane, hailstorm, and tornado). This combo will result in the train hitting a nuclear power plant, a hotel for dogs, and “the home of beloved actress Laurie Metcalf.” Only put-upon Donna (Rachel Bloom) at US Train Headquarters (“somewhere in Virginia”) has the know-how to guide the train to safety.
In DC, President Gagwell (RuPaul Charles) has been briefed about the situation by her press secretary (Matt Rogers). Unfortunately, the news of the impending train catastrophe triggers a terrible memory from when Gagwell was a trainee in Reagan’s U.S. Rail Force in 1986; a tragic story that was buried during her presidential campaign.
Throughout, there are multiple unsuccessful attempts at humor. For example, DeeDee has developed a crush on hot co-conductor Cal (Brian Jordan Alvarez), leading to all sorts of silly sexual exploits. The passengers, including Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, June Diane Raphael, Natasha Leggero, Missi Pyle, and Lisa Rinna, to mention a few, do the best with what they’ve been given in the lightweight script by Christina Friel and Connor Wright.
To find something nice to say, props go to Latrice Royale, whose character, Barbra, keeps popping up in various roles for the duration of the movie. When someone remarks that they’re surprised to see Barbra in another unexpected setting, she says she’s “a lot of things…but nothing for too long,” which is also a good description of the movie.
Rating: D
