Dear John, I (m38) have been dating this girl (40yo) for a year now.

Everything is going well, except that I haven’t told her I am very fluid in my sexuality and have desires that involve men as well. Over the past few months, I have been sleeping with a guy (m22) and have had the best sex and intimacy of my life. Three days ago, I went with my girlfriend to her cousin’s baby shower, where I would be meeting many of her extended family. About halfway through the shower, a couple of her nephews showed up. To my surprise, the guy I’ve been sleeping with these past few months is her nephew. I am freaking out and don’t know what to do. I love my girlfriend and have imagined growing a life together. But on the other hand, I have been falling for her nephew, and didn’t realize it till he walked in and this overwhelming sense of care/love/compassion flooded over me. Help me, I don’t know what to do.

Dear not the victim, 

First things first – you’re not the victim. We have to get straight to a foundation of reality before we dig into this hot mess of a situation. Nothing about your life right now is a crisis of sexuality. Wanting to be fluid, wanting a life that doesn’t live within the boundaries of what other people consider a relationship is all well and good, but that’s not the problem, and if that’s what it was, I would tell you to go live your truth. 

Your letter is about a man who has been lying to a woman he is in a relationship with, who he claims he wants to build a life with, all while throwing her nephew the bone. In your retelling, you have managed to attempt to cast yourself as this romantic who is caught between two great loves, but absolutely we both know that is not the truth. You’re not caught between anything, but your dick and its goals. You’re a man who has been having his cake, eating it, licking his lips, and then telling the cake he’s falling for it while his girlfriend sets the table for dinner. 

You didn’t discover a great love. You got caught. The “overwhelming flood of care and compassion” you felt when he walked in was panic. You say you’re fluid, and I believe you. But fluidity isn’t a hall pass for dishonesty. Sex positivity isn’t a get out of jail free card for deceiving people. It’s actually the opposite. The entire foundation of an open, honest, non-monogamous or fluid life is that everyone involved knows what they signed up for. What you’ve built is a closet of deception dressed up in open-minded language. That’s not brave. It’s branded cheating. 

Here is my advice to you: stop making a young man’s coming-of-age story about you. You’re a 38-year-old man dating his aunt. You’ve made him a secret at a time in his life where he may not even fully understand what is at stake for him and his family at large. If there is something real between the two of you, it doesn’t start from the inside of a lie. 

Tell your girlfriend the truth. All of it. Unvarnished. If for some reason she decides to stay with a man who has been sleeping with her nephew behind her back, she should do it with all the facts. You don’t get to frame this as a love story. You’ve been sleeping with her nephew while you were telling her to plan a life with you. You have an obligation to look her in the eye and own that. 

The actual work on the other side of this dumpster fire of a situation is to sit with why lying felt easier to you than being honest about who you are, what a relationship looks like to you, and what you needed. It’s not about which one do I choose. The question is, why did I think I got to choose without telling either of them the truth? 

You don’t need permission to be fluid, but you do need the courage to stop hiding it. Those are very different problems. Only one of them makes you a bad guy and right now you’re a bad guy.

With as much love and well intentions as I can convey, get it together, Mary.

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John Porter is a founding partner at Oasis Asset Management, contributing writer at OutSFL, and an aspiring novelist. He has worked as a community organizer, political strategist, campaign director, and has volunteered and held leadership positions for a variety of community non-profits. His work approaches serious subjects with curiosity, irreverence, and a sense of humor. Join him daily on Threads @johnporter13

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.