A recent fuck buddy ended things with me because, as he put it, I “play around a lot,” and he’s worried about bringing an STI home to his husband. From what I understand, they’re in an open relationship, so I’m confused about why my sex life suddenly feels like the problem.   

Intellectually, I can appreciate that he was upfront instead of ghosting me. But emotionally, I feel sex-shamed. It stung to hear that my choices — which I’ve been honest about — were framed as reckless or irresponsible.  How do I separate legitimate health boundaries from moral judgment? And how do I move forward without internalizing someone else’s discomfort about my sexual choices? 
 
Dear Stung:  
 
I could write a whole book about boundaries and the feelings they leave in their wake.  

You’re asking the right question: how do you separate a legitimate health boundary from a moral judgement? When you’re confronted with a situation like this, use this test: Did he change his behavior, or did he try to change yours? He broke it off with you. He didn’t lecture you. He didn’t ask you to get tested before your next hookup. He didn’t say that you should slow down or change your behavior. He made a risk assessment and created a boundary with the output. If he were judging you, he would have stayed and tried to make you feel guilty every time you hooked up. His exit was generous and respectful.  

Boundaries do sting sometimes when they’re framed around something as personal and intimate as your sexual behaviors and choices. “You play around a lot” is clunky language for a very real thing. We don’t know what the agreement is between him and his husband. You said “from what you understand,” but that’s relying on the information he has provided you. We will never know what that agreement actually is, but what we know for sure is that he has a risk threshold, and you’ve exceeded it. You don’t need to defend yourself against their threshold, but I do understand how those words could land like a verdict.  

Here is what I would sit with if I were in your position: you were honest. You were being transparent about your behaviors. You shared your authentic self without shame. You showed up fully as yourself and he made an informed decision. The system is working. People who are worthy of your connection and access are those who will either share your appetite or who can manage their own boundaries without making you feel like a cautionary tale.  

Lean in, don’t shy away. You should live your life on your terms in an honest and transparent way. Moving through this moment will require you to step back and stop deposing yourself. You don’t owe anyone a sex life that makes other people feel comfortable. We were not put on this earth to evolve to the comfort level of others. What you do owe yourself, however, is regular testing and making sure that you’re taking care of your body.  

Go be exactly who you are without apology and be thankful that he handled it better than most would have, without shame or judgment.  

You’re not the problem. You’re just not his solution anymore.  

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John Porter is a founding partner at Oasis Asset Management, contributing writer at OutSFL, and an aspiring novelist. He has worked as a community organizer, political strategist, campaign director, and has volunteered and held leadership positions for a variety of community non-profits. His work approaches serious subjects with curiosity, irreverence, and a sense of humor. Join him daily on Threads @johnporter13

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.