My girlfriend and I have had a few threesomes with other women. All of my friends are jealous because she is so open-minded, but now she wants a threesome with another dude. I’m not into that. She’s bisexual. I’m not. Am I being selfish for resisting? Or is she wrong for pushing this on me?
Dear Weary Heterosexual,
Sexuality exists on a spectrum, with some people being more fluid and others being more firmly situated at one end or the other. If the idea of another man being involved in your sexual relationship with your partner makes you uncomfortable, it’s crucial to have an open conversation with her. Explain your feelings and why this proposition concerns you. This dialogue can help establish boundaries or rules to help you feel more comfortable, or it can clarify why this situation may not be for you.
There are no wrong answers here, but respect and commitment to your partner mean you owe her an honest discussion. Reflect on what specifically about this proposition troubles you. Are you worried about what your friends might think? Are you concerned the other man might be more endowed or a better lover? These are all valid feelings. Sharing your vulnerability with your partner can foster a deeper, more honest conversation about what exploring sex outside your relationship can mean for the both of you.
Don’t shy away from vulnerability or trying new things. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of being physically involved with another man, you can set that boundary before you both set off on this new adventure in the bedroom. Try to find ways to explore your partners’ needs within the limits that work for both of you. If it turns out that you don’t enjoy it, you can always decide not to do it again. It’s better to try and learn than to live with the “what if” hanging over your relationship or the resentment of not her feeling like you didn’t try.
Final thought: if you agree to experience a threesome with your partner, and you’re intimate with a man, it won’t make you gay or even bisexual. It will make you a person who explored something that felt uncomfortable but stretched your definition of pleasure outside of orientation.
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John Porter is an entrepreneur and founding partner at Oasis Asset Management. He has served as a political organizer and strategist within the Democratic Party, as well as serving as an executive board member for the Miami Yacht Club.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.
