Today, I looked at my husband with lust. I haven’t done so in a long time. We were in the pool. He stood in the shallow end with the water at his waist. The sun was on his face and beautiful gray hair. He is so handsome. Nothing had to happen as a result of my feelings, but it was a great treat to re-experience the hunger.

The clarity and intensity of my sexual feelings for my mate of nearly 50 years coincides with many other changes in my life, all of which feel renewing. For instance, I laugh more now than perhaps ever, and it feels very good to be able to do so. I’m experiencing a freedom from my responsibility to be “Brian McNaught.” Thus, I laugh.

Jumping in to take ownership for something amiss in the house comes very easily to me now. “The freezer door was left open on the refrigerator in the garage.” “Oh, that was probably me.” “The floor is wet in the kitchen.” “Oh, that was probably me.” “There’s a new dent in the car.” “Oh, that was probably me.” In the past, the reply would more likely have been, “I don’t think it was me.”

Colors and patterns are jumping out at me with more vibrancy than I thought possible. I don’t need to be in the garden for this to happen. I can be standing in the kitchen or walking the dog. I’ll call Ray’s attention to it. “Honey, stand with me and look at the amazing number of different patterns of leaves in just this corner of the yard. The bamboo, the Clusia, the Yellow Tab, the ferns. Isn’t it amazing?” “Un huh. The Yellow Tab needs trimming.”

All that is happening in my loins, my heart, and my mind are not always easy gifts to handle. At this troubling time in history, as I experience fear, anger, and resentment, my ego wants to write daily with aggression and defiance. But is that helpful? My heart tells me, “No.” It’s not easy keeping my mouth shut and my soul open, especially given my life’s focus. But I’m at a place on my spiritual path that I feel compelled to Right Speech and to non-judgment of others. It’s really hard to do so, but I’m committing myself to it.

With help from the book, “The Sedona Method,” I’m looking at everything in my heart and head that is holding me back from achieving the purity of Spirit I seek. That entails looking at old hurts and current behaviors. The process is actually exciting.

Perhaps all of these simultaneous changes in my life are because of my age, but I think it has more to do with the many years of work I’ve put into becoming more aware of myself and of the moment, with the question, “What stands in the way of me living fully, and of dying as the person I hope to be?”