I had swum my laps and was lying in 90-degree water, with my neck rolling slowly back and forth on the hot cement rim of the pool, my eyes closed, the sun in my face. I was in heaven, or so I imagined, and asked for the sound of Ray’s voice and Sebastian’s bark.

Then I was completely at home, at peace, willing to let go. A jet flew overhead, and I thought, “No,” and a 200-car freight train went by three blocks away, the bells of the railroad crossing chiming throughout, and I thought, “Yes.” What smell might I have? Jasmine or lilac. 

What sight, when I open my eyes, would add to my comfort? Monarch butterflies and cardinals, bougainvillea, and an apple tree. Seeing the word “queer” and the constantly changing rainbow flag floating above me would disturb my peace. Let me see the word “Gay” and the original rainbow flag. 

Remember, this is my heaven. Your’s is different. “In my father’s house there are many mansions.” (John 14:22)

I told Ray of my fantasy, and he lay down beside me and felt the warm cement beneath his neck. We didn’t talk. Sebastian barked at a squirrel. Yes, that’s good. A jet ski went by. No, that wouldn’t be allowed, but a kayak or canoe would be welcome. 

I pick the things, the memories, that will make me happy. As a teenager, it would be fried chicken. Today, it would be braised beef ribs. Once, a chardonnay. Today, a Coke Zero. Once, water skiing (until 72). Today, a card game of Onze. Once, world travel. Today, a good movie and popcorn. One day, heaven might be a dry bed.

If I were told to eliminate all of the elements of my heaven, I would end up with just myself, wishing I could just hear the voice of my beloved. I would keep my eyes closed and just wait. He’s my best friend, my soul mate, my guardian, and compass. Ray is my heaven.

On May 4, 2026, Ray and I celebrate our 50th anniversary. We don’t count the day we were officially married, but rather the day on which we came into each other’s lives, and couldn’t imagine leaving. We don’t seek “congratulations.” For what? Our time together has not been a test we passed. It was a treasure chest we opened and have felt gratitude for ever since. 

Just as there would be key elements of serenity in my self-designed heaven, so too are there key elements of my 50 years with Ray – honesty, care and concern, trust that I’m safe and loved, shared values and tastes in what constitutes joy, laughter, spirituality, and a commitment to one another. We’re equally task ordered, are clean and sober, and are kind-hearted. We’re proud of one another.

You can see why it would be Ray’s voice and face that would be sufficient for me to be in heaven. What are your essential elements?