I think that my husband has internalized homophobia, but I don’t really know what to do about it.
He doesn’t like going into gay spaces and is very judgmental towards the community and tries to set himself apart as if to say he’s not like scene gays, but it feels like it’s more his own discomfort than what anyone else is doing, but I don’t know what to do about it.
Dear Married to Masc4Masc,
Oh, babe, this is a classic case of I’m gay, but not GAY gay. Not like “those” gays. It’s the greatest hits of internalized homophobia with bangers like “I just don’t relate to other gay men” and “Pride is just too much” with a bonus track “I’m just more comfortable around straight people.” I know because I’ve been this gay. Desperately trying to be as close to straight as possible to fit in as much as possible. Let me assure you that you’re not crazy for sensing this.
When someone avoids their community, it usually says more about them than it does about the people they’re distancing themselves from. We live in a heteronormative society where people are told it’s fine that you’re as long as [insert qualifier]. What they’re usually saying is it’s fine that you’re gay as long as your gayness doesn’t make me uncomfortable.
Many gay people internalize this messaging because they want to be loved and accepted by family members or loved ones. Gay people often walk on eggshells with their family, and it can bleed over into our everyday lives for some. Many times, a person’s identity is built around rejecting what they see as “too much” or something that could make their family uncomfortable and present a feeling of potential abandonment. Instead of accusation, lead him with curiosity by having a conversation about why he feels the way he does. Come from a place of wanting to know how he arrived at his thinking.
Second, expose, but don’t impose. If he’s not into gay spaces, then a dark room at a leather bar probably isn’t a great idea, but you can start with smaller gatherings or events. Maybe trying a gay resort will help him feel safe to explore. The most important role you can play is his husband. Know that this isn’t a problem for you to fix, it’s an opportunity to communicate and help walk your husband through some difficult emotions. Create a safe space for him to work through it. Just like bottoming, go slow and be aware of when to push and when to pull back. Good luck and remember that queerness is not a monolith, but rejecting an entire community usually says more about what’s happening internally than externally.
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John Porter is an entrepreneur and founding partner at Oasis Asset Management. He has served as a political organizer and strategist within the Democratic Party, as well as serving as an executive board member for the Miami Yacht Club.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.
