I'm a Closeted Bottom. Help! | Advice

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I come from a small town, and I have always been a pretty masculine guy.

I don’t live in an area that is very accepting. I’ve always had the top position in my relationships and always carried myself as a guys guy. I don’t have a lot of gay friends, there aren’t many in this area. All of my friends know me as a top and a bit of a country boy. I’m a big guy and I like to work out, so I have a sort of aesthetic about me, I guess you would say. What my friends don’t know is that I am in a new relationship, but I’m the bottom in the relationship. I feel like I have to come out again to my friends, but I have all this anxiety about it. People have an idea of who you are, and it can feel like you’re stuck in a gay community box. Why am I so nervous to tell my friends about this new relationship?

Dear Transitioning Bottom,

First and foremost, congratulations on exploring the other side and allowing yourself the space to seek out what you really want sexually. The social anxiety of bringing a new partner into a friend circle is always stressful, and when you add in your situation, you’re completely valid in feeling anxious about the prospect. Remember though that all the thoughts in your head are not in your friend’s heads. You don’t have to introduce your new man by explaining what he does to your freshly plucked peach. You don’t owe your friends an explanation of what happens in your bedroom. If your friends are like mine though, they’ll likely pick it up on their own, and they may even tease you about it, but take it in jest and keep it moving. This is a transition in your life, and your friends will adjust. Embrace breaking through everything that made you feel like you couldn’t be a bottom.

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John Porter is an entrepreneur and founding partner at Oasis Asset Management. He has served as a political organizer and strategist within the Democratic Party, as well as serving as an executive board member for the Miami Yacht Club.

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.


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