“You’re gay and religious,” I was told by the podcaster.
“No, I’m gay and spiritual,” I corrected.
“Religious” suggests an affiliation with a particular creed. There are no creeds in spirituality, only aspirations for enlightenment, for awareness of who we are in the whole scheme of things.
“What do you think of the current pope?”
“I care about his influence in the world, just as I care about that of Donald Trump. But, I don’t seek the pope’s approval or guidance of my life any more than I do Trump’s. I am whole, fulfilled, in love, sexually satisfied, and at peace without needing or wanting their attention.”
“What about growing up gay and Catholic?” I’ve been asked that since the beginning of my life’s work as an educator on gay issues. “Weren’t you terribly conflicted?”
“I was an Altar Boy, went to Catholic schools for 16 years, and wanted to be a priest. I also got weak knees since childhood when I saw the hairy chest of a handsome man. I was astute to refrain from talking about the source of my ejaculations, but I never felt that being a homosexual was sinful.
“I trusted three things – that God was always with me, that I was attracted to naked men, and that my sexual attractions weren’t a sin.”
For many years, I spoke and wrote in an attempt to quiet the fears of others about homosexuality, and to show that one could be gay and have an intimate relationship with God. I initially worked with Dignity, the gay Catholic organization, to change Church teaching about homosexual love-making. I have many friends who did, and continue to do, the same work in their denominations. I’ve come to accept that I’m unable to change the Church’s official sexual theology, but I’ve been successful in enabling Catholics to re-think their feelings about being Gay and Catholic.
My great personal success in life has been picking the lock on the upbringing that my life’s value relied upon the decisions of others, such as the Vatican curia, the Supreme Court, my parents, Hallmark, or the police. My spiritual awakening comes from the approval I give myself.
I’ve been hated by others, both straight and gay, religious and anti-religion, those who identify as Catholic and those who identify as hostile atheists. For many years, I took the unexpected rejection personally and had to learn to put on a good face, not letting on how hurt I was. But the experience of that personal rejection helped give me the incentive to ask myself the question, “Whose approval do you need to accept that you’re a good, healthy, happy, kind, thoughtful, spiritual person?”
Finally, I understood I didn’t need the approval or affection of other people. That doesn’t mean I don’t love good company on my journey through this lifetime, and I’m eternally grateful that I have Ray holding my hand for nearly 50 years, but I trust I can walk tall on my own.
