It’s morning, New Years Day, 2030. After a night of revelry, Americans are waking up to a dancing hologram, by now familiar, floating over their beds. Donald Trump’s three-dimensional image gyrates enthusiastically if irrhythmically to the dreaded YMCA song, tiny fists boxing the air as everyone grabs the covers. Swinging a flyswatter, throwing a shoe or spraying disinfectant at the specter does nothing; running is equally pointless as Trump’s hologram dances right along into the bathroom.
Like Chinese water torture, the music has sent more than 50 million people into therapy to date, seeking relief from an earbug and nonstop media presence that threatens their sanity. After the Village People sued for copyright infringement, JD Vance declared the song was gay anyway, and ordered all recordings interspliced with Lee Greenwood’s bible song, netting Trump Inc. $2.3 billion in annual royalties.
The dancing hologram has been beamed down from Starlink every morning since Trump went AWOL in 2026, the day he said at a Nuremberg-style rally that Elon Musk was foreign born and ineligible for President. Lucky for America, ruling by hologram isn’t all that different from ruling by tweet.
Trump steals the Panama Canal
After Fox News declared that Trump’s 49% of the 2024 vote was a landslide, because winning by 1% equals a mandate the likes of which no one has ever seen, Trump invaded a 10-mile strip of the Panama Canal. The move allowed Trump to indefinitely extend his presidency because, “We’re at war. If Franklin Roosevelt overstayed his welcome, so can I.”
For fair market compensation, Trump promised Mulino that Panamanian caddies could retrieve and keep all golf balls that fall into the canal after its conversion to a water trap on his next 18 hole golf resort. It will be Panama’s most beautiful golf course, some say in the world, with waves from two different oceans gently lapping “sir, sir, sir” from both sides.
Trump continues to deduct $350 billion, the value of the golf balls, as a quarterly business expense against the resort’s $2.5 million in profit.
Goodbye, national debt!
During the second year of his second term, Trump nullified the national debt ceiling by Executive Order. After the checks cleared on his $6 trillion tax gift to wealthy donors, he nullified the nation’s debt as well.
When Trump defaulted, Japan’s Shigeru Ishiba and China’s Xi Jinping tried to foreclose on domestic assets like the Washington Mall, prompting Musk to beam Trump’s life-size hologram into their bedrooms, wearing his uniform red tie. Once parked at the foot of their beds, Trump stopped dancing and pointed at their stunned faces, commanding ominously, “Pull my finger.”
Fart and hilarity ensued as both men grasped at the air finger, Musk spasmodically laughing in the background. The Space Nazi then tweeted a video of the exchange to his 200 million pre-pubescent followers and promised that the Tesla fart feature unveiled in 2020 would be installed on all military tanks and aircraft of the future.
Meanwhile, with the mass-deportation kitty emptied, developers refused to build on credit. Half-built immigrant concentration camps were converted into paintball and crash-derby meccas, and Squid Game evil eyes modeled after Kash Patel’s popped up every fifth mile along the border.
Rape and debauchery: mandatory skills in Trump’s cabinet
Near the end of his second term, Trump’s reality-show cabinet used an abacus and eight-ball to figure out that eliminating the federal government was actually the opposite of expanding it.
Matt Gaetz raised $1.5 trillion off a House Ethics Committee report accusing him of statutory rape, prostitution and using illegal drugs, and other Republicans wanted in on the action. A congressman from Kentucky went on Fox News to announce, “I’ve slept with underage girls, too you know.” “Oh yeah?” said another on Fox and Friends, “I’ve slept with underage boys.” When a third House member from Alabama said he’d slept with his underage son in a monster truck while torturing puppies, $5 trillion poured in from the MAGA base. It remains an unshattered one-day record in political fundraising.
For the remainder of January, Trump’s hologram will retreat to the balmy shores of Siberia with his wife Melania, who, despite living in the US for 30 years, still can’t speak fluent English. Her First Lady coffee table book, “Perks of dark side,” sold 77,284,118 copies following the official ban of all competitive books including the bible; an alleged “Jewish carpenter” was either a loudmouth DEI hire or original nepo baby, depending, and the word breast hid in 27 passages.
Melania is now co-authoring a children’s book with Supreme Court Justice Kim Kardashian about the First Amendment and why it’s illegal to criticize her husband, tentatively titled, “Be nice if know what best.”
Sabrina Haake is a columnist and 25 year litigator specializing in 1st and 14th Amendment defense. She writes the free Substack, The Haake Take.
