We assume that a one-night stand is about “having sex,” and that sex in a long-term relationship is about “making love.” Is that always true, and what differentiates one from the other? Is it possible for a one-night stand to be “making love” for one of the participants, and with one’s beloved might the experience ever be described as “having sex?” Ray and I have had lots of genital contact in the past 47 years, but not all of it would be described as “making love.”
Two very hot men walked past my moving car in the last week. I was shocked by my intense response and quickly reminded myself that I had the perfect lifetime partner, and that I’ve not often been the guy who would just “had sex.” But their images and the yearning echoed throughout the day.
I began thinking about the difference between “having sex” and “making love.” Women may be more inclined to use the term “made love” because many frame sex in the context of relationship. That’s true for me, too, so I wondered why I might say “I haven’t had sex in a while,” vs. “I haven’t made love in a while?”
If I had attracted the attention of these two men, would it be possible for me to think of what transpired between us as “making love” even if for them, it was just a quickie? If so, how can the same experience be seen in such different ways?
“Having sex” has many meanings. It’s like the word “love.” I don’t much like the expression “had sex” because it seems to diminish the component of love. And yet, much of the sex I’ve had has been about feeding a hunger for touch and needing a release as a way to relax. If I’m totally present, and envision the intimacy, even with a stranger, as receiving every bit of my attention and energy, then it can be love making in my mind.
When Ray and I would engage in genital intimacy, if I was focused, and he was focused, both fully present, and both framing in our minds the sharing as sacred, the experience was the best sex and the most intense love-making possible. If, on the other hand, Ray was fully present, focused on the universal joy of the exchange, it would be for him “making love.” If I was thinking about what I was going to make for dinner, the experience for me would be “having sex.”
“Making love” suggests making oneself vulnerable. “Having sex” can include the letting down of boundaries and trusting the other, such as in a sado-masochistic experience. It’s entirely possible, although unlikely, to be more vulnerable in sex with a stranger than it is with one’s beloved.
As is true with everything else in life, it’s all a matter of perspective, and it ought to be free of judgment, one’s own and that of others.
