About three or four years ago, I finally understood what was really going on inside my mind. For years, I had been misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and often frustrated with myself. Then, I found out why.
Back in 2008, while juggling the relentless pace of a newsroom job, I was told I had bipolar disorder. I believed it, because what else was I supposed to do? The newsroom was high-stress, the deadlines never-ending, and the waves of exhaustion and self-doubt seemed to fit. But inside, things never quite added up. The medication didn’t feel right, the ups and downs continued, and I constantly questioned why I couldn’t just “get it together.”
It wasn’t until much later, after years of trial and error, tears, guilt, and grit, that I learned the truth: ADHD. A diagnosis that made sense of the scattered thoughts, the perfectionism, the frustration, the guilt that shadowed every small mistake.
Now, with the right medication and more awareness of how my brain works, life feels steadier. But make no mistake: the path to self-understanding is not a straight one. It’s winding, messy, and often overwhelming.
The Weight of Perfectionism
One of the hardest parts of living with ADHD is the guilt that perfectionism brings. I’m a teacher, a journalist, a writer, roles that demand structure and polish. But when you hold yourself to impossible standards, every little stumble feels like failure.
Forgetting an email, losing track of time, misplacing something important, it’s not just a slip-up. It’s a spiral. The voice in my head whispers that I should know better, do better, be better.
Even this past weekend, our wedding anniversary weekend, a time of celebration and joy, I found myself slipping into sadness over something as silly as leaving the anniversary card at home. My heart sank, and I felt “less than” because of it. How could I forget something so small, yet so meaningful?
The Power of Grace
But here’s the truth I keep learning: it’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. My husband, who also has ADHD, reminded me of that.
He made me realize that forgetting a card doesn’t erase the years of love, laughter, and commitment we’ve built together. He reminded me that moments of self-doubt don’t define me, and that grace, both from others and from myself, is the greatest gift I can offer.
Moving Forward
Understanding yourself is one of the hardest, most important journeys of life. It took me years to find the right diagnosis, years to find the right tools, and I’m still learning. But there’s beauty in the struggle too. It has taught me compassion, for myself, for my students, for my loved ones. It has taught me that mental health is not about being perfect, but about being honest, patient, and brave enough to face the truth of who we are.
So if you’ve ever felt “less than,” if you’ve ever been frustrated by your own mind or weighed down by expectations, know that you’re not alone.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit that you’re still figuring yourself out.
And that’s more than okay.
