A few years ago, actor Haaz Sleiman caused a stir when he came out on social media as “a gay, Muslim, Arab-American man. And I’m going to take it even further — not only am I gay but I’m also a bottom. Not only am I a bottom, but I’m also a total bottom, which means I like it up you-know-where. And I say this to all the homophobes living in the United States of America and across the globe. Why not? If you ever come to me to kill me just because I’m gay, I will destroy you. I might be gay, and I might be a nice guy but don’t get it twisted because I will f**k you up.”
Though Sleiman also discussed being in the closet and coming out, to most people the only memorable thing about Sleiman’s post was his admission that he is a “total bottom.” That a man’s revelation that he is a bottom can still startle many reminds us that bottom shaming is alive and well. In a world divided along sex roles, the gay bottom — the one who takes a penis in his mouth or ass, for those of you who don’t know — is seen as the one who takes the “female” role in a relationship. And in a world that still values masculinity, the gay bottom is seen as less worthy than the top.
Throughout history, society has been kinder to tops than to bottoms. To most people, sex is about penetration, and the one who penetrates is the one in charge. In many traditional societies, like the Latinx community that I grew up in, there was no stigma to being a top, just as long as he remained a top. On the other hand, the bottom was looked down as being less of a man. This is the case even in male-only societies like prisons, where masculine tops rule and bottoms are sex objects. The AIDS epidemic only made matters worse for bottoms: A study by the University of California, San Francisco’s Alliance Health Project revealed that tops have a 1 in 500 chance of contracting HIV from an HIV-positive bottom, while a bottom has a 1 in 50 chance of contracting HIV from an HIV-positive top.
It’s not easy being a bottom. So why are there so many bottoms? As any gay man in search of a partner will tell you, bottoms outnumber tops. Bottoms are so plentiful in some communities that we joke about them. Some would say there is a connection between being gay and being a bottom, but I am not so sure. It is easier to be a bottom than to be a top; and there would be many more straight bottoms if society (and their partners) allowed them. The fact is, there are many masculine, assertive power bottoms, and many submissive tops. That’s what makes the world go round.
As you probably guessed, I am a gay bottom. I was a bottom all my life, and I will be a bottom until the day I die. And I am proud to be one. Being a bottom has informed my social life, my political life, and my literary life: As a writer of gay erotic fiction, most of my fictional heroes have been proud, masculine gay bottoms who, like Sleiman, “like it up you-know-where.” And there is nothing wrong with that. Between you and me, I think bottoms enjoy sex more than tops do, though sometimes we must deal with the consequences of sex. With sexual freedom comes sexual responsibility, and tops must accept those responsibilities, just as bottoms have learned to do.
