I struggle with maintaining my attraction and sexual desire for guys I date. It sucks.
We start off with this explosive chemistry, and then it's just gone for me. So many guys internalize this as rejection, but it's not, at all. I've loved many of them and love our other time together in so many ways. I am a very sexual person. I love sex. I just lose my sexual desire for them. I recently came across something called "freysexual" which really sums me up. Basically, it's a sexual orientation for "someone who experiences sexual attraction towards people they don't know or don't know very well." That's me! But is it real? Or is it just bullshit excuse for being a "whore." For so long I felt something was wrong with me – like I was broken...like why can't I maintain my desire for these guys. And do you need sex to have a valid and fulfilling relationship with someone?
Dear Freysexual,
Oh look, something shiny and new! You're not the first nor the last man to have trouble keeping his eye on one person at a time. There is no right or wrong way to be yourself, so let's put the brokenness aside. What is very important, however, is to be upfront and honest when you meet someone new. It isn't fair to the other person to expect that there could be a fairy tale ahead when you know your history leaves little room for a horse-drawn carriage into the sunset. If you feel it at the moment, be honest about your past. This also requires being honest with yourself when you meet someone new. The thrill of the hunt and the flood of endorphins from a first meeting are intoxicating. It's not surprising that someone could become addicted to that moment. But if you're genuinely seeking a long-term relationship with someone, you'll have to be honest from the beginning about what a long-term relationship looks like for you. There are plenty of long-lasting relationships between partners that don't subscribe to the heteronormative standards of monogamy.
Every relationship requires both people to ask and answer: what do you need, and what do you want? Your happy ever after may be a partner who understands that you'll need a fresh supply of new meat to fulfill yourself. The right person will get it. Don't compromise for the sake of having someone to come home to, but also, don't come home to someone who doesn't know there are fresh meat'ings happening outside the home. You can be your full self if you're willing to own it fully, openly, and honestly.
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John Porter is an entrepreneur and founding partner at Oasis Asset Management. He has served as a political organizer and strategist within the Democratic Party, as well as serving as an executive board member for the Miami Yacht Club.
The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice.
